As I was kicking off my year and still in the throws of winter I landed in the hospital and had to have an emergency hysterectomy. Gotta admit that isn't a small deal, especially for a hooper. Because of the way they had to do the surgery my recovery was going to take longer. The incision was from my belly button down. Again, not so great for a professional hooper. But it could have been worse so I am grateful for what did happen instead of that worse case scenario you get. And trust me, when I was told the worst case, I saw my life as it is completely stop, and more tears. You can't hoop with a colostomy bag that is for sure! So yeah happy it didn't go that route! Thank you Universe - Bock, Bock!!
There was a ton of surrender involved with that. Letting go in so many ways. Not just of something physical but also aspects of things I had created as well. Letting go of classes I had just started. Letting go of performances that I was supposed to do that month. Letting go of not being in a glamorous state of performance costumes and fun a lot of the time. 10 days in the hospital you kinda get a bit gross during that time. For whatever reason I chose not to take a shower that whole time til I got home. I think I was scared to create any other issues. Doesn't mean I didn't stay clean but still. Letting go of the busy self and not knowing when I could get back to being in a good place all around with all I did.
Needless to say I was in tears at one point over it. It's very hard to have no other choice but to let go of everything you created within your business but I did. It was a pretty scary time to be honest and a huge lesson in being vulnerable. I am not so great at "vulnerable"...really... But I had no other choice but to be in that state of being at that time. It was really tough to be there to be honest. But I ended up at some point telling myself that I needed to surrender. To let go and let things roll. That it is happening for a reason and that I should enjoy this time of just being.
What was amazing was the outpouring of real love at that time. My family pulled together to visit me and take care of me at points even though they are far away. Dad especially did that. I tend to not show my vulnerable side to my family. I had the role of being the big sister who took care of everyone else. For some reason I had to be "the strong one". And then when Dad was here I had a long day of pain about a week after I was home that made me think I would have to go back to the hospital. i didn't want to go at all. I cried in front of him and that I didn't do at some point as a kid. He was worried and tried to help me in whatever way he could. But it was a scary moment.
My daughter was incredible. At almost 20 she pulled friends together to help me out in shifts when she could not be there. The love coming from friends was amazing! I kept hearing how they wanted to help me out. From my friend Amira creating a meds schedule (and trust me I had a ton of meds I was on - it was nuts!), to others staying with me til Wheeler could get back to me and to my friend Angel not only helped get me home when I finally had to leave the hospital but who also created a donations portal because I do not have health insurance and I could not work at all so no income was coming in - which letting go in that way was very difficult! That site showed me just how much people were in a state of love and caring all around. This helped me out a ton as well. It was an intense time but I saw how much support I had and how many people cared. I can say I never want to be in that place again to find out but it was still a beautiful thing to see happening to the point of being overwhelming and I cried again just because.
Recovery has been interesting. I am 4 months out of that time period. I performed for the first time at the end of March at my 7 week mark. I took it easy but performed what I could. A few minutes here and there and doing things off the body were part of what I could do. Since it was a fire performance I was able to do other things as well. It was a test of where I was for me. I listened and did not over do - which I tend to do by the way. I paced things as I moved into my second and third month from my surgery date. And I listened to my body. If I over did a day then I would know. It has been so interesting going through that. Having to really listen and still be vulnerable and stop when I am being prompted to do so. I had noticed my short term memory was effected for a bit. Anesthesia can do that. Food was interesting too. Hospital food is not so great, especially when they want to stick you on a "regular diet" and your body actually is not ready for that. I lost a lot of weight that I could not afford to lose. I think I went down to 105 and I am usually 115 - 120. I would look at my body and freak out at how skinny I was and yet I was starving. I wanted to eat but was afraid to. One night they made pork, sauerkraut and baked apples. I was doing my walk to try to get things moving physically and smelled that and was immediately turned off. And I am polish/hungarian on my Dad's side so that is normal food for me. Not that day. My sense of smell was extremely heightened. I am guessing because I hadn't eaten and that is the normal reaction. I could smell EVERYTHING. In most cases that was't a good thing. Once I finally got home (and trust me that getting there was an ordeal in and of itself) my body told me what I wanted. It was amazing. I knew I could trick my body into it's normal functioning with popsicles so Edy's All Natural Lime ones were on my menu. Friends created food but I wasn't ready for it. I needed to start slow. I also knew that pineapple would help with digestive stuff. I found one night I woke up with a craving for Avocado. Perfect for fat content especially. And then Sweet Potato also came into play. It was amazing how my body responded and how I ate what it wanted not what was put in front of me. It's a bit stressful at a hospital trying to eat and nothing is working. But it was good once I got home and listened to my body in that way as well. Now I eat everything in site...:) I gained my weight back and feel better for sure.
I am at 4 months from that time. My biggest thing is fatigue. I get tired quicker still than where I was so I really have to still pace myself. I also can feel it once in a while in my scarring and the ab muscles. They get a little achy for sure and sometimes when I am fooling around with certain tricks I have to stop. Rolling around with a hoop on your foot is not always a good idea. But I also see the strides I have made too. Where I was is far from where I am now so that is a plus. And also not pushing myself too much.
My May was super busy and June will be as well. Then I am into my kids summer camps in July and August. I can still pace myself as each month comes along. I have a lot going on and am really grateful I can actually do my favorite things. I am enjoying time at home gardening, spending time with good friends and living one at a time. I am excited about all of this and to see where I will be physically at the 6 month mark as well.
Wow, I had a lot to say but hopefully not too much tmi and yet I feel like I need to recognize this point. That I am back to hooping, can still feel fatigued at points but that is my body's way of assisting me in not overdoing things.
Looking forward to more fun and hope to see you all at some point along the happy hooping road of life!